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It's a love thang

Over these past few weeks I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed because as I have been praying and thinking through how to really minister effectively while being faithful in an entitlement enviornment, but what I've come to realize is that God has been revealing to me my own spirit of entitlement. So, to make this story a bit shorter, these past few weeks have really come, because of God's grace, to their inevitable end which is me repenting and asking Jesus to give me a servant's heart. On further reflection, its like I've become more prideful than broken "I deserve this, I deserve that, I can do this, I can do that" which is directly connected to having an entitlement mentality. This is an old, but new facet of the pride within my heart. Most my life, I never really thought I deserved anything.

Since God saved me 9 years ago from a hopeless life of drug addiction, I've always been more broken than prideful (generally speaking). I knew full well then as I should still know now just how sinfully worthless I was before God divinely intervened in my life. So, during this past week I've been reflecting on just where God has taken me from and where He has me now. Where God has me now in this faith journey, does make perfect sense, if, I pause long enough to see the whole journey and not just the here and now. Sanctification is a process as Paul tells us: "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Phil 2:12b-13). When I just look at the here and now, I lose sight of just how much grace, mercy and love God has lavished on me, I forget that it is God who is working in me. Just this morning, while I was worshipping God in my room to a personalized worship set, I realized that I've slowly become less and less actively in love with Jesus.

I know that God is building perseverance in me and equipping me through ministry (and life) hardships to mature me, but while in the midst of this I've become less and less actively in love with Jesus. I have not allowed my heart to express its love for the precious Savior and Lover of my soul which has been a welcomed wake up call for me. It's so amazing the grace that Jesus extends to me. I am so grateful that even when I drop the ball in our relationship, Jesus never does. He never stops being actively in love with me. It's a love thing.